Endings

Endings

            I don’t quite understand why I am writing this. I sit here outdoors, on a damp picnic table with grey clouds of moist air, and the sun fading faster than my fingers can type. I have something to say. I just don’t know exactly what that is. I have feelings that I cannot comprehend and waves of emotions that fiercely hit me like the aggressive ocean hits the soft sand, heightening my creative desire to write this. These waves come in sequences. They come unexpected like a storm that surprises the summer break kids who are numerously scattered along the shore of a beach.

 Like those same hyped of kids dancing and singing making their summer break the best one ever, when a hard force of a wave hits me I wonder why. Like those kids wonder why it started to rain when no weather news said it would. Sometimes I feel like there is absolutely no reason why I should be feeling the way I’m feeling. Like those kids look at the clear sky and wonder to where the rain is coming from.

The reason my skies are clear, yet still there is rain and the waves are hitting me with great force is because they are encouraging me to discover the root of my emotions. They are calling me to swim deep into the massive ocean of my emotions. Like the ocean the deeper the water the calm the seas. I feel that applies for me. The deeper I look at the root to why these emotions are finding themselves in my life the calmer I feel.

I now have moved from my damp picnic table to sitting in the breeze way where my apartment is due to the rain starting up again. While writing this I still can’t form sentiences because honestly I don’t know what should be said. I guess I’ll start with the awkward end to our almost love affair. That last text I gave you. I’m not sure exactly what I wrote word for word, but I think it was something like this, “I think it’s just not meant to be for you and I”. I will admit that came from a place of realization that I am moving to Nashville TN that summer. A part of me just knew that our ending wouldn’t be the ending we both wanted. It would not be the ending where were kissing each other goodbye, calling each other while I’m living in Nashville, TN, or plans of meeting up when I’m in town.

Our almost love affair felt so difficult at times. We went from friends to on the edge of lovers. Being young and inexperienced sometimes it takes a couple of tries with varies people to truly jump off that edge. The awkward silence in an art room we goofed off in so many times before was painful to endure. I tried to get myself to talk to you. I wanted to tell you so many things, but all those formed sentences in my mind forgot themselves and went blank every time I looked at you.

 Our almost love affair was difficult because no matter how hard we tried we couldn’t get ourselves to jump off that edge. At times I got frustrated with you for not being bold enough, but then when you became bold I crawled into a hole and refused to budge. We switched off roles a lot with the bold and the scared.

I will never forget the way you looked at me, so curious and attentive. That winter when your mother was driving me home. We stayed after school for some art project. I placed my hand near your thigh. You hesitated, but then just went for it and placed my hand in yours. You opened yourself up to me and told me about that girl from your church you were in a relationship with that tainted your desire to give your heart to another.

I did not fully appreciate your willingness to let me in. I just assumed that letting someone in was a given, but you’ve shown me that only let those in who truly mean something to you. Don’t let the whole world in because not the whole world deserves to be let in. It takes time to truly see if someone deserves to be welcomed in into my world where my heart lies. Being let in is a privilege and I thank you for giving me the privilege to be let in where your heart lies.

 Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if we decided to jump of that edge, but then I realize everything happens for a reason. Nothing is a fluke. We didn’t have to be lovers to fully get to experience the feeling the heart feels when in the presence of someone it admires and deeply care for, love. Did I love you? I would say I did love you, but not the kind of love that is of a lustful, attached, obsessive, possessive, youthful indecisive, conditioned, and of a controlling nature. It was love of a deep admiration, care, and respect that is of a kind nature.

 I think about you sometimes and those waves of emotions are yes, aggressive and ruthless. They are only fierce because of my resistance to them at times. I tell myself I shouldn’t be thinking about you because our story has ended.

            Endings I see now don’t have to be the kind where we can’t think about someone ever again. Endings are only the universal flow of the on goings of life that aren’t indeed endings, but beginnings to something even greater than ourselves that we cannot see.

 Our ending was of a silent, awkward one, but I wouldn’t change anything about our ending because all endings have a purpose. Our ending was the beginning of something wonderful and that is one step closer to jumping off that edge. I now see that love isn’t always so simple and can be messy, but even when it gets complicated if that person deserves to be let in they sure are worth seeing it through, even to the very end. It’s just sometimes our endings aren’t what we would want, but are what the universal flow gives to us. Our ending wasn’t an act of cruelty done by the universal flow of life, but was a push in the right direction. The universal flow was guiding us further towards that edge. So, when someone else comes along that deserves to be let in instead of staying on that edge we jump.

I hope you’ve liked your choices with me because I know I sure liked my choices with you. I liked choosing our friendship. I would say choosing a silent, awkward ending wasn’t something I would necessarily choose as an ending, but sometimes life just happens. The thing about life is it’s surprisingly funny with all its twists and turns to the chapters that make up our book of life. One day we’re going one way and then the next were going the total opposite. One day we’re choosing to be in love and then the next were choosing to stay on that edge. That’s what makes life so exhilarating because it’s adventures and liberating. It takes us down roads that we would never expect we’d go down. Life isn’t pre planned. Life is about the universal flow of life and us combining ideas to create a chapter that is extraordinary, yet dynamic. What would be more dynamic then to have complications and challenges?

It’s never goodbye its always hello because we may have had an ending with someone, but the life we experienced with them, short or long will be a part of us like a tattoo. I like my tattoo. I hope you like yours.

A bright smile would be our tattoo because of all the laughter we shared in that art room. The silent, awkward, ending is only the universal flow of life bringing drama into our lives. That is why the universal flow of life is so silly because it brings seriousness into our lives to give us those ups and down, high and lows, in order to make our life everything except boring.

The sky is now dark and I feel my waves of emotions relaxing into a tranquil state of being. Our goodbye is not of a fairy tale one, but of a reality one, and if I’m honest reality has more remarkable twist and turns that all are shocking and yet transformative then a fairy tale. Life is wonderful when I look at it in its entirety and not just its pieces.