Endings
I
don’t quite understand why I am writing this. I sit here outdoors, on a damp picnic
table with grey clouds of moist air, and the sun fading faster than my fingers
can type. I have something to say. I just don’t know exactly what that is. I
have feelings that I cannot comprehend and waves of emotions that fiercely hit
me like the aggressive ocean hits the soft sand, heightening my creative desire
to write this. These waves come in sequences. They come unexpected like a storm
that surprises the summer break kids who are numerously scattered along the
shore of a beach.
Like
those same hyped of kids dancing and singing making their summer break the best
one ever, when a hard force of a wave hits me I wonder why. Like those kids wonder
why it started to rain when no weather news said it would. Sometimes I feel
like there is absolutely no reason why I should be feeling the way I’m feeling.
Like those kids look at the clear sky and wonder to where the rain is coming
from.
The reason my skies are clear, yet still
there is rain and the waves are hitting me with great force is because they are
encouraging me to discover the root of my emotions. They are calling me to swim
deep into the massive ocean of my emotions. Like the ocean the deeper the water
the calm the seas. I feel that applies for me. The deeper I look at the root to
why these emotions are finding themselves in my life the calmer I feel.
I now have moved from my damp picnic table to
sitting in the breeze way where my apartment is due to the rain starting up again.
While writing this I still can’t form sentiences because honestly I don’t know
what should be said. I guess I’ll start with the awkward end to our almost love
affair. That last text I gave you. I’m not sure exactly what I wrote word for
word, but I think it was something like this, “I think it’s just not meant to
be for you and I”. I will admit that came from a place of realization that I am
moving to Nashville TN that summer. A part of me just knew that our ending wouldn’t
be the ending we both wanted. It would not be the ending where were kissing each
other goodbye, calling each other while I’m living in Nashville, TN, or plans
of meeting up when I’m in town.
Our almost love affair felt so difficult at
times. We went from friends to on the edge of lovers. Being young and inexperienced
sometimes it takes a couple of tries with varies people to truly jump off that
edge. The awkward silence in an art room we goofed off in so many times before
was painful to endure. I tried to get myself to talk to you. I wanted to tell
you so many things, but all those formed sentences in my mind forgot themselves
and went blank every time I looked at you.
Our
almost love affair was difficult because no matter how hard we tried we couldn’t
get ourselves to jump off that edge. At times I got frustrated with you for not
being bold enough, but then when you became bold I crawled into a hole and refused
to budge. We switched off roles a lot with the bold and the scared.
I will never forget the way you looked at me,
so curious and attentive. That winter when your mother was driving me home. We
stayed after school for some art project. I placed my hand near your thigh. You
hesitated, but then just went for it and placed my hand in yours. You opened
yourself up to me and told me about that girl from your church you were in a
relationship with that tainted your desire to give your heart to another.
I did not fully appreciate your willingness
to let me in. I just assumed that letting someone in was a given, but you’ve
shown me that only let those in who truly mean something to you. Don’t let the
whole world in because not the whole world deserves to be let in. It takes time
to truly see if someone deserves to be welcomed in into my world where my heart
lies. Being let in is a privilege and I thank you for giving me the privilege to
be let in where your heart lies.
Sometimes
I do wonder what would have happened if we decided to jump of that edge, but
then I realize everything happens for a reason. Nothing is a fluke. We didn’t
have to be lovers to fully get to experience the feeling the heart feels when
in the presence of someone it admires and deeply care for, love. Did I love
you? I would say I did love you, but not the kind of love that is of a lustful,
attached, obsessive, possessive, youthful indecisive, conditioned, and of a controlling
nature. It was love of a deep admiration, care, and respect that is of a kind
nature.
I
think about you sometimes and those waves of emotions are yes, aggressive and
ruthless. They are only fierce because of my resistance to them at times. I
tell myself I shouldn’t be thinking about you because our story has ended.
Endings
I see now don’t have to be the kind where we can’t think about someone ever
again. Endings are only the universal flow of the on goings of life that aren’t
indeed endings, but beginnings to something even greater than ourselves that we
cannot see.
Our
ending was of a silent, awkward one, but I wouldn’t change anything about our
ending because all endings have a purpose. Our ending was the beginning of
something wonderful and that is one step closer to jumping off that edge. I now
see that love isn’t always so simple and can be messy, but even when it gets
complicated if that person deserves to be let in they sure are worth seeing it
through, even to the very end. It’s just sometimes our endings aren’t what we
would want, but are what the universal flow gives to us. Our ending wasn’t an
act of cruelty done by the universal flow of life, but was a push in the right
direction. The universal flow was guiding us further towards that edge. So,
when someone else comes along that deserves to be let in instead of staying on
that edge we jump.
I hope you’ve liked your choices with me because
I know I sure liked my choices with you. I liked choosing our friendship. I would
say choosing a silent, awkward ending wasn’t something I would necessarily
choose as an ending, but sometimes life just happens. The thing about life is
it’s surprisingly funny with all its twists and turns to the chapters that make
up our book of life. One day we’re going one way and then the next were going
the total opposite. One day we’re choosing to be in love and then the next were
choosing to stay on that edge. That’s what makes life so exhilarating because it’s
adventures and liberating. It takes us down roads that we would never expect we’d
go down. Life isn’t pre planned. Life is about the universal flow of life and
us combining ideas to create a chapter that is extraordinary, yet dynamic. What
would be more dynamic then to have complications and challenges?
It’s never goodbye its always hello because
we may have had an ending with someone, but the life we experienced with them,
short or long will be a part of us like a tattoo. I like my tattoo. I hope you
like yours.
A bright smile would be our tattoo because of
all the laughter we shared in that art room. The silent, awkward, ending is only
the universal flow of life bringing drama into our lives. That is why the universal
flow of life is so silly because it brings seriousness into our lives to give
us those ups and down, high and lows, in order to make our life everything
except boring.
The sky is now dark and I feel my waves of
emotions relaxing into a tranquil state of being. Our goodbye is not of a fairy
tale one, but of a reality one, and if I’m honest reality has more remarkable
twist and turns that all are shocking and yet transformative then a fairy tale.
Life is wonderful when I look at it in its entirety and not just its pieces.
